Friday Testing

     I have always hated testing. I detest it. Testing during my school years was the very worst thing I can remember. I had one teacher in the 5th grade at Ballentine Elementary School, Mrs. Gott, who made the entire class on each Friday of the week march out to the baseball diamond in single line formation, stand behind home plate in a group and at the sound of her  whistle begin to run a  race. A race that launched us out to another home plate on another diamond that was at the diagonal to our own  at a  distance that seemed extremely large for the average 5th grader to run. The start of the race would begin when she decided to blow her silver whistle. The actual time that it took her to  blow the whistle and for my nerves to stop turning my stomach upside down and inside out seemed like an eternity. But then almost suddenly the shrill came and tennis shoes started kicking up the infield dust as the mongrel herd of kids competed for first, second and third place. Every Friday.
     I made a mistake that first Friday morning while racing around the course, I came in first and won. Now, you would think that winning this race would be a good thing and a mighty accomplishment but it was not. For the rest of that entire school year I hated Friday mornings. My nerves were shot by  10:00 am race time on Friday making it almost impossible to  think about or focus on anything else, especially my studies.
     I use to pray to get a twenty four hour flu bug on Thursday night. Saturdays became the first day of the week for me and every Thursday became "Dead Man" walking day. To me it really was like taking that final long walk to the gallows every Friday only over and over again. You see as I kept on winning the class race each Friday another week would bring yet another challenge to my crown. A challenge and a crown I would have gladly given up at any moment to any one asking if I only could of.
     The other kids suffered too. There were two other kids, Gary and Barbara, who were literally right on my heels every Friday race day. I wonder what they were thinking as they tyred to catch me and if they knew what they were doing to me by pushing me to run faster and harder than they did? There was something to be said about the rest of the kids because they were the  smarter ones by staying in the back of the pack not winning or losing they gracefully jogged the course while joyously laughing and talking on their way back to home. But it was very different for me.
     Randy was always last. I think I understand Randy better than most of the kids. He quickly became the brunt of all jokes about how he carried  more baggage than most of us and won his own title of being the biggest loser. Randy was in the same boat with me except he endured additional punishment from the other kids. During that particular school year I believe I lived my entire existence from birth to death and beyond. I only wish Randy and I could have been in the flock with the rest of the sheep having avoided being standouts at all.
    So now let us  time warp to the year of 2010 when once again I feel like I am being tested only this time it is by God. Unemployment is a pit. A pit that at times can feel like its deeper than you can climb out of, darker than the actual day where shadows cast mountainous  but hollow images of  our reality that keep our eyes on them and away from our God. All my prayers these days have been focused on two, no three areas of  life, my family, getting work and the new church plant. God is faithful for sure. I remembered this morning during prayer what I had asked God to do for me (this is an ongoing prayer of mine). I have been asking  that  He would refine me by pulling  away the dross, cutting out my heart of stone and to put a new heart inside of me. A heart that would always respond to Him "Here I am Lord send me!". I want to be a servant, a vessel that God can fill at any time for His purposes. I want to be totally submitted and surrendered to Him. Now here I am at a point in life with zero work leads, no income pushing  a wheelbarrow of debt when I realized  I am in the exact place where I asked God to put me. A place where I am totally depending on Him. Not on my skills or my government to bail me out but only on Him, my loving God  the Shepherd of my soul. I know the shadows will continue to cast their long scary figures at dusk in their attempts to keep my eyes off my God but  I will not fail this test as Proverbs 3:5,6 remind me to: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways  acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight. I am going to win this race not on my own merit  but only through God's unending love for me!