Lately, I find myself falling into episodes of depression. I find that striving to find even a small amount of work each week is very hard on people in general and especially on men. My main source of income comes from being a self employed general contractor in the residential home building and remodeling area. Our local economy here in San Diego, California continues to suffer from the real estate bubble of 2008. People just are not ready to let go of their funds to make improvements on their houses. So the continual ebb and flow of the self employed person's bank balance really grates and wears on them like the sea grinding and turning discarded shells into sand. This new, present and extremely low life tide I find myself wading through has begun dredging up some really ugly trash. In addition to being a modern day sort of “tent maker” I also volunteer as an associate pastor which is my true calling. With the continued pounding of unemployment ever before me I am being driven out of the water to walk along the shore for awhile. As I step away from ministry I begin to feel a new season of my life and my foundation shift just like water eroding the sand under my feet as it returns to the sea...
The house where I live, during the day, is usually devoid of all life. Our two young sons, Erik and Luke, attend the local college. Emma is on the verge of becoming a teenager and my wife, Pam, keeps herself extremely busy making sure all the household tasks are completed, keeping our home running like a well oiled machine. In the quiet my mind wanders and I find myself doubting all that I have come to believe in. Fasting, praying and crying out to God for direction, support and employment. This desert valley of my thoughts is so very deep that I only allow the Son’s light to reach in for a couple of hours each day. His love flows over me and bathes me in His radiant goodness. He’s’ so warm and friendly I don't want Him to leave but as quick as the light appeared it is gone leaving behind only a shadow that it was ever there in the first place.
Where do I put my trust during these times? For many others the usual group of old friends might include drugs, tobacco, booze and sex. These all seem to help the pain at first but only lead to deeper pain and a debt we can’t begin to pay. Debts that might include but are not limited to all kinds of disease, broken relationships, illegitimate children and ultimately an untimely death.
Another life preserver I have reached for during hard times is my close friends. Although some of my "so-called friends" seem to only abandon me in mid-stream. Running for higher ground they leave me behind to tread the dangerous water, struggling for the shore alone. Although these fair weather friends usually do manage to leave something behind for us to remember them by; a blade lodged deep into the flesh of our backs. They leave behind scars that often are never allowed to heal. So we find ourselves sitting alone, scraping at these wounds with the broken shards of yesterdays life.
So where should I put my trust during these times? How do I even begin to rebuild from the ashes of burned down relationships? First off, I refuse to let myself slip into the pool of bitter waters and I run from the shore of self pity. I will not allow myself to lose consciousness and drown in misery bay. I start by picking myself off the ground and stand on my own two feet. As I begin to stand I take a long and deliberate deep breath. I allow myself to look up to God and take my focus off my own circumstances. I look intently at the wonderful detail in God’s creation. The night sky declares His handiwork. Taking off the blinders that have shaded my view I discover God’s mercies are new every day. I draw and take a drink of cool, clean water from new streams and start walking a different direction.
Where do I draw this new, living water from? I draw from a very ancient and deep well. For me it comes from the same person who put the dew on the bottom of my wife's roses. He makes the sun to rise each morning bringing new hope to my life. He created the wind that two hawks can be seen gliding on and all the stars in the night's sky. He's the One who designed seasons, fuels the tides of life and beckons for me to come to Him. I put my hope and trust in Him and I will never stop believing. I remember the memorial stones He has set up in my life for encouragement. I begin by taking a step or two down a new path, lifting up my eyes to new horizons where my future looks so very bright in the hands of my loving God!
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